It's been so long since my last blog entry. I apologize for that.
I felt this was necessary and pertinent information to share- and how timely it is.
I didn't understand the term "the body remembers" until ...
the kids and I were in a car accident a couple weeks ago.
Among the airbags and debris-
I started to panic.
I just can't explain it.
It was sheer panic.
And it was that moment that I unknowingly was in the same response pattern that I was in 2015.
I was breathing heavy.
Practically panting.
Under so much disorientation.
Crying. Sobbing.
Panicking.
As I tried to figure out where my phone was to dial 9-1-1..
I recalled the last time I dialed it.
And my body remembered.
...Our bodies remember trauma.
Whether we like it or not.
It remembers the trauma.
No matter how much time has passed.
And weeks later, I've found myself so angry.
Irrationally angry.
At everything.
At the accident and everything in between.
And yet grateful that my two children didn't suffer more serious injuries.
But somewhere stuck between grief and gratitude- I find myself here.
..Somewhere between grief and gratitude.
It wasn't until today that I was talking to a friend and painting at a table that she said,
"Amanda, you have PTSD. And whether you know it or not. Your body remembers. Your body doesn't know that it's not going through the same thing in 2015. Your body was feeling the same things because you went through something traumatic. And now you need to give yourself grace and time to work it out of your body."
I was pausing on care packages for a week.
And a guilt ate me up inside.
But the exhaustion and the emotions overwhelmed me.
I was pausing on work in general because all I could do was replay the incident, the accident in my head.
Over and over.
... like an unwelcomed visitor.
Not giving myself grace is something I'm good at.
I'm really rather mean to myself.
And at the same time,
that hurts my heart.
But I just came here to say-
If you have suffered through the death of your child and you then months or years later you endure something else traumatic....
Please hear me....
Give yourself grace.
Give.
Yourself.
Grace.
Know that the body remembers the trauma.
Even when you don't want to.
And the chemicals released when you walk through it.
It's crazy how our bodies remember even when our mind continues wandering through life.
Our bodies are still in the background.
I picture it like a computer hard drive.
Functioning in the background when we have no idea the capacity that it holds.
What it's taking to truly function.
Since it has been my goal to be transparent since the death of Bo.
I just wanted to be sure to turn back around and give warning to this unforeseen circumstance.
Something I had no idea how to plan for.
Something I didn't see coming.
But it takes people around you that love you to pull you aside and say...
It's going to be okay.
This is a normal response.
What you're feeling matters.
You're not alone.
And.. maybe more importantly,
You're loved.
You're needed here.
You're going to be ok.
Even though...
it might not feel like it.
Please keep going.
