Man. The enemy has had a field day with my life.
The lies that he’s convinced me to believe.
I met my biological dad twice- aside from infancy, when I cannot remember.
As far back as I can recall, I’ve always felt an abandonment aspect. The missing pieces were always missing. I never knew them as “complete” like most kids got the advantage of.
I had many men try and step up to the plate, but they’ve all given up. Counted me as a lost cause and ran, far away.
This man isn’t who is on my birth certificate. But he is my biological dad. Puerto Rican sass and all. He is half responsible for my life. But he wasn’t there. And then the rumors started coming from other people who knew him. And as quickly as I met him, he was gone.
The dad who adopted me and who is on my birth certificate came into my life at some point in my early years. Before my little brother was born. It was different when he got remarried. And then he went on to have a daughter and son with his wife. And then I experienced abandonment with someone by my side, my little brother.
And maybe this is why I made the choices I made in my life. Maybe they played some sort of role. Though, not the whole reason because I claim responsibility for what I’ve done.
Why do I bring all of this up now?
What is relevant about this?
This last Sunday I sat through part of a sermon series at our church. I cried the entire time. God was scratching at something that He wanted to shine light on.
Pastors words still ring heavily in my mind:
“You can NOT view your Heavenly Father through the lens that you see your earthly father through.”
“Satan loves when there’s disconnect between an earthly father and his child. He has a field day with it.”
Ever since this sermon, my heart has been in a disconnect. Not only have I had my biological dad absent for all my life, but the dad who stepped in and adopted me, walked out as well.
And I’ve realized how tainted that’s made my view, or my lenses to see my Heavenly Father.
And it was like a punch to the gut.
So I took it to God in prayer:
“God, I thought I dealt with this. Why is this coming up, it still hurts. It doesn’t serve relevance here anymore. I don’t want to think about it.”
And then God said,
“You’ve spent this time hurt over your mom’s actions. But you haven’t dealt with forgiveness for any of them. Not thinking about it and pushing it away because it hurts isn’t forgiveness, Amanda. They’ve failed you but it’s not for nothing.”
He’s absolutely right. I’ve spent time hating my mother. Hanging onto grudges that would make me physically ill. Holding her up to an impossible standard that she will never live up to. But one thing I will give her, is that she NEVER walked away from me while I was growing up. She may be gone now and I may have that feeling of abandonment now, but it’s not a lifelong abandonment like I carry from my dads from adolescent years.
Gosh, I can practically hear the angels screaming, “Forgive her!”
But the truth is, I’ve held so much anger from their abandonment on her. I justified it as, “she could’ve picked a better more supportive partner and then I wouldn’t be without a dad!”
It’s taken a long time. Years in this lifetime to realize this is not her fault.
I never had an emotional relationship with my mom. I pined for one. But it wasn’t there. And every time I’d try to force it, I’d find myself so disappointed and angry.
To some this may seem like rambling,
But to me,
It’s an essential step to dealing with big problems.
I’ve got a lot of work to do.
A lot of forgiveness to be had.
But God is working.
So what are the positives to all of this?
Because all my life I’ve thrived on defense mechanisms that look for the positives so I don’t drown with the weight of the hurt.
•I know what kind of parent I wanted to be and didn’t want to be for my kids.
•I found Jesus through the death of my own son.
•which means I have the power and capacity to forgive my parents.
•Because we all fall short from the Glory of God.
•Because I’m a sinner too.
•God gave me a gift when I married my husband; his parents.
•Count it all joy. ALL. Joy.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3
Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wrench like me. Broken Vessels/Amazing Grace- Hillsong Worship
“Lord, what were You saying?
I must've fallen asleep
Could've sworn I heard You talking
Or maybe it was just a dream
It sounded something like redemption
An echo from a younger day
Lord, how long have I been drifting?
My tears are falling as I pray
Lord, wake up this sleeper
I lift my head, I lift my head
Your searchlights found me
Here at my end, I'm at my end
Is it the fear of falling down again?
Oh, that keeps me sitting here
I'd rather wander in the shadows
Than have to look into the mirror
There's so much madness all around me
They wear their darkness on their sleeves
But now my blinded eyes are open
And I see the darkest part of me
Lord, wake up this sleeper
I lift my head, I lift my head
Your searchlights found me
Here at my end, I'm at my end
Lord, let Your fire make holy these lips unclean
Shine down in all Your glory, awaken me
Lord, let Your fire make holy these lips unclean
Shine down in all Your glory, awaken me”
Awaken Me- Casting Crowns
Even the sparrow has a place to lay its head
So why would I let worries steal my breath?
Even the roses, You have glowed them brilliant red
Still I'm the one You love more than this
You give me everything
You give me everything
You give me everything I need
Even the oceans push and pull at Your command
So You can still my heart with Your hand
You tell the seasons when it's time for them to turn
So I will trust You even when it hurts
You give me everything
You give me everything
You give me everything I need
Everything- Lauren Daigle
It's so unusual it's frightening
You see right through the mess inside me
And you call me out to pull me in
You tell me I can start again
And I don't need to keep on hiding
I'm fully known and loved by You
You won't let go no matter what I do
And it's not one or the other
It's hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be known fully known and loved by You
I'm fully known and loved by You
Known- Tauren Wells