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The President’s Heart

I wanted to give up.

I wanted to quit.

I wanted to run away.

Like, yesterday.

Recently, I’ve prayed

for the Lord to reveal any

“not so good parts of me” -

So that I could purge those things out.

And make room for the good.

I thought, “well.. He can’t work in the parts of me that I won’t

Let Him shed light toward.”

What I didn’t take into consideration

is how much it would hurt to reflect.

How it would feel to have things revealed,

released and reborn.

And as I’ve gotten to work-

Trying my hardest to be intentional

about turning around and fixing hurts.

Trying to make wrongs right,

by delivering apologies.

I tried to keep reminding myself,

I’m only human. And I can fail.

And while running an organization,

I’m also grieving still.

But the split second that it took

to hear the sneaky enemy say…

“Amanda, you’re filthy and dirty inside. He could never love you.”

Had brought me to a screeching halt.

I picked up the lie from the enemy.

And held it for awhile.

Until talking it out with my husband.

Until intentionally praying.

And spending time with the Lord.

In my agony, I cried out,

“God, I don’t mean to hurt anyone. I don’t mean to cause pain or destruction. I’m sorry I have failed so much. I don’t deserve you.”

He said, “Darling, you don’t think I’m oblivious of your flaws, do you? You have forgotten that I have created you. I’ve created you for such a time as this.”

. . . .

Tonight every seat was filled

at our Child Loss Support Group.

A group that after the week of battling,

I questioned whether or not

I was good enough to run.

Where I heard the enemy say,

“Just give up, already!”

As I looked around at everyone,

I realized…

For such a time as this.

I realized I’m NOT good enough to run the groups.

But HE is.

And greater is He that is living in me.

If I’ve hurt you along this journey,

I’m truly sorry!

I pray that you can forgive me.

I pray that you can see an effort to change.

Thank You Jesus for loving me through it all!

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