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Fighting Depression

She smiles brightly for all the world to see. But what lies beneath her smile simmers and demands to be felt.  

She breathes and fights as hard as she can. 

But fighting is exactly what happens in her mind. 

Her mind is a battlefield of right and wrong. 

Even when it feels right, it’s wrong. 

Wrong for all of the ways she’s pictured leaving this place. 

She hangs onto the imaginary problems, Like an anchor out at sea.  

She tries to embrace the storm,

But the storm is a tsunami. 

A tsunami that spirals and spits. 

A tsunami that swallows her up. 

Up in the abyss. 

So far into the abyss that it’s an unending ocean. 

An ocean that’s swirling uncontrollably with drops of rain. 

Rain that spews out into tears on her pillow case. 

A pillow case that carries all of her broken dreams. 

Dreams that are severed from her waking up at night in a panic of whether or not the doors were locked, 

Or why someone hates her,

Or how she could be a better mom. 

Or wife. 

Or daughter. 

Her thoughts are sacred. 

Only sometimes, though. 

Others she has a wasps nest in her mind. 

In her mind of fluttering, violent bees that sting her inside. 

She smiles brightly for all the world to see. 

But what lies underneath her smile comes in many forms. 

She could be a mother. 

A sister. 

A friend. 

A daughter. 

A niece. 

A student. 

A teacher.  

And then someone asks why she doesn’t talk to anyone?

But who would understand?

If she lets you peek into her thoughts. 

Into her world. 

And gives you that window-

Will you get it? 

After all, 

She doesn’t get it. 

And if she doesn’t get it,

How can you get it? 

And although she smiles. 

And functions like she should. 

She’s not always happy. 

In fact,

She’s rarely happy. 

Because she can be functioning in society and still be screaming in her mind. 

But don’t ask her this. 

She can’t understand it. 

She’s always wondering when the next hurt is coming. 

When the next hole will appear and she will sink deeper and deeper. 

She smiles,

But carries depth to her smile. 

There’s so much depth to her smile. 

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