I just have to share what God is doing.
I have to share how
He is working in my life.
A few months ago,
I ended up leaving a
church that I loved very much.
A church that I felt home in.
A church that I was involved in.
A church that gave my family someplace to look forward to.
I enjoyed worship,
I enjoyed the preaching,
I enjoyed the small talk.
I loved the people.
But something happened.
A friendship tethered at the seams
And I was left heartbroken.
I wasn’t ready at all to say goodbye.
I wasn’t ready for another loss.
I wasn’t ready to deal with every day life without her.
But I had to.
I was given no other choice.
And at first it was dreadful.
At first I fell into a big pit of depression,
similar to when Bo passed away.
And I had to keep telling myself
that this was her decision.
That she had the right to leave,
just like I had the right to stay.
But I struggled to make that work.
I struggled to let go.
I struggled to want to lean on other things.
And before I knew it I was thrust away from Jesus.
I started thinking:
“How could church people do this?”
“How could they just up and walk away?”
“How could somebody who preached so much of the Bible and how to love people, be so unlovable?”
And before I knew it, the questions that I was asking myself changed dramatically to:
“How could I have let my guard down and allowed these people in?”
“How could I have done this to myself?”
“How could I have expose myself so easily to get hurt so deeply?”
“Well, if they are fake then Jesus must be fake.”
And so I spent another four weeks in complete agony.
I was ready to be done with everything.
I couldn’t find the purpose of our organization.
I couldn’t find the purpose of all of this hurt.
I couldn’t find a reason for why things are happening the way that they were.
I questioned my worth to my husband and my children.
I was so upset that my pastor and his wife did not reaching out to us after a certain amount of time.
For not checking in.
I felt as if they’d forgotten.
Of course, I check in with everybody for a living.
That is what I do and that can be a burden sometimes because I unknowingly develop some expectations for others to do the same for myself and my family.
In regards to other leaders.
We researched church after church. And I was petrified to start over.
I was petrified to go
and listen to anyone else.
And then I talk to one of my friends.
Another loss mom whose faith is stronger than any other.
She said that God had put it on her heart to contact me and reach out to make sure I was OK.
I was bluntly honest and I told her I wasn’t okay.
I told her how upset I was that no one from our church was still in contact with me or my family anymore.
Her response baffled me.
Her response totally took me by surprise.
Her response was one of the best responses I could’ve ever asked for.
And of course it was.
Because she was so sensitive to the spirit
and as He was pushing her to reach out to me,
He knew that I needed it.
He knew above all else.
And as I’ve had time to think about everything and process everything the way I do.
I have also had time to think about whether or not I would be angry at anyone else for following what God’s plan is.
I cannot be mad at my old church family.
I cannot be mad because I love them deeply still.
I cannot be mad at my friend who is no longer my friend.
Because love conquers everything.
It conquers all things.
And although there are days where I am still so hurt,
I have realized the importance of my loss friends words,
there is a reason for this.
God is the writer.
And although I can be a
stomping, tantruming two-year-old,
yelling up at my daddy.
It doesn’t change anything.
It doesn’t change the big picture.
And although I miss my old church,
God is calling me
and my family somewhere else.
Somewhere that we can continue to grow into.
Somewhere we are needed for child loss healing.
My husband and I consider ourselves orphans in the church now.
And we are on the search for our next home.
We are on the search for our next Pastor.
One that we hope to grow very close with.
One the can counsel us.
If you are dealing with a similar situation I would like to say this to you:
Let God lead you.
Quiet your heart and listen.
He puts messages on peoples hearts
and send you everything you need.
But he also put it on peoples hearts to leave.
Quiet your mind and listen.
And whatever the message is,
quiet your mind
and receive it with a full heart.