Child loss is the imaginary battle of your child being with you in your mind and your child being absent physically. -Amanda Hartwig
On the days that I debate
is it really worth it?
On the days that I ask myself over and over again should I be here?
The times that I spend thinking about my son and wishing so badly that he was here with me.
Those of the times that my will power is questioned.
Those are the times that I am being tested.
Those are the times where I have to reach deep into my grief toolbox and find a tool that can combat the invasive thoughts with.
The truth is that everybody has thought of it.
Even if it is not something voluntary that you have thought about even for a moment.
You probably have never mentioned it to anybody.
Because who would want to know that you were considering ending your life?
If you say that you haven’t thought of it, I would have to call you a liar. Because the times that feel unbearable to even get out of bed is a scary sign that your body is begging and pleading for help.
Get your body help.
The days that you need somebody to talk to but you have an overwhelming amount of anxiety. Because “nobody” will be there. Because “nobody” cares. Because your mind is telling you that everybody hates you. Because your mind is making you believe that you are unwanted. Unneeded. I hate the term “committing suicide.” Don’t you? You should. Depression and anxiety should be looked at as a disease. Because that is exactly what it is. And this is something that we all struggle with. We all! Every single one of us. We are all susceptible to depression and anxiety. Even the lowest levels of depression sometimes go unnoticed for months and months. Sometimes, years. There are days where I am paralyzed by grief and missing my baby boy. But I am getting so much better at recognizing whether it is grief or depression & anxiety. Depression is a silent tiny little bug that crawls into your mind it grows tremendously. It grows into a giant. A giant that constantly is picking and nagging at you. A giant that is so dark and so painful that it overwhelms you. It traumatizes you. It shows it’s nasty head and plays it’s magic tricks. Magic tricks that you believe. Magic tricks that are the most spectacular lies. Lies that tear you down. Lies that debilitate you. Lies that keep you in the chains of agony. There are so many alternatives. There are so many things that you have to watch out for. Like alcohol and drugs. They are such easy gateways to allow you to numb the pain for a temporary amount of time. But the pain always comes back in full force.
And sometimes that numbness is played on by the giant of depression. And this giant uses that numbness to tell you it won’t hurt if you do it. It won’t hurt if you shoot that gun, it won’t hurt if you tie that rope. But I am here and I am down on my knees telling you that it will.
It WILL hurt every single person that has ever crossed your path.
It will hurt every single person that knows your name. It will hurt your children. It will hurt your parents. It will hurt your siblings. It will hurt your friends. Giving this gift up called life is not an option. And that needs to be your bottom line. That needs to be your stomping ground. That needs to be something that you will not budge on.
Make a pact with yourself that even on the worst days where you are trampled on and traumatized and debilitated- you will not give this gift up. Because it is something to treasure. We are not promised easy paths. But the key is knowing that your torture and pain will end. The sun will rise tomorrow. The key is knowing that you need to not be proud. Being proud gets you nowhere. What really takes courage is admitting that you need help. That is the most courageous thing you could do. That is the bravest thing a person can say. “I need help.“ And when you come to that admittance, people will come to your rescue. People that you never thought you could confide in. And when they come, let them in. You don’t need to suffer in silence anymore. Because there is a stigma with suicide. Because even though people that we love and cherish have followed through with it, They did not want to hurt you. They did not think about hurting you. They did not think about you being left. They were debilitated. Cornered. They thought they had no way out. The giant of depression and anxiety and overwhelmed their heart and soul. I write this to you now because I desperately don’t want to see your mom and dad in our child loss support group. Because they will cry and they will tell me that they wish they could’ve done something. They wish they would’ve known. They wish they had the chance to save you. Let them help you. I write this to you now because somehow you stumbled upon this page and you read this post. This is not a coincidence. It is not an accident. You need to hear it. You need to know it. It is okay to ask for help. It’s okay to seek medication. It’s okay to go to support groups. It’s okay to call hotlines. It’s okay to go to therapy. It’s okay to talk to someone. If you or someone you know is struggling mentally or emotionally, Call the National Suicide Hotline: tel:1-800-273-8255 Dodge County