As I sit here this morning
and sip my coffee,
I am reminded of how
bittersweet some days can be.
We come across people
in our lives, sometimes every day.
And when tragedy hits,
those people tend to say
the wrong thing.
Maybe they’re
trying to do good
and they truly mean well.
Or maybe, they are
just trying to be nosy.
Whatever the ulterior motive is-
we must remember
that most of these people
are innocently ignorant.
I can remember the day
of my son, Bo's funeral.
Just 10 months old,
and in a tiny little white casket.
Sleeping so peacefully.
And in his visitation line there were
people that came from so many different places
just to show and pay their respects.
But there was still that one person
in his visitation line that
stopped and had the audacity to ask:
“What happened?”
Being in shock,
I couldn’t respond.
My husband politely said
“We don’t know...”
As we directed this
person toward
our son’s casket,
we were reminded
of how our hearts
were plummeting
right before our eyes.
And she was unaware of the hurt she had caused.
Years into our loss and directing multiple
child loss support groups,
we have learned that there have
been multiple instances where
people have endured some
not so pleasant conversations,
And inconsiderate comments.
It is almost as if this particular
person is putting their finger
into a gunshot wound that has
been inflicted on us.
Our hearts are bleeding
even though you cannot see it.
These ignorant comments
and questions only cut us deeper.
Being young is irrelevant to the situation.
And need I say, that there is NO replacement
for the child that we had, pass away.
You can’t imagine?
We don’t want you to imagine!
We don’t want you to force us
on another island of segregation.
We just want to know that
you are here.
And that it is okay for us to
talk about our child.
We don’t want you to imagine.
There is no “at least” in child loss.
I went through a similar situation when a
Jehovah’s Witness
was at my door and
went on to
talk about the book of Job
from the Bible.
I was infuriated because it was
a story about how the
children that died
were replaced.
Not only replaced but doubled.
It fueled my anger.
There is a spot in our
hearts that fits the exact
size and shape of our child
that is gone.
There is no replacement.
Again, another baby
won’t solve the hurt
that our agonizing
hearts are feeling.
And it isn’t fair to
put that type of stipulation
on our future children.
Would you want to fill those shoes?
“Aren’t you over it by now”
If you are contemplating
saying this to a grieving parent
I would urge you, strongly, to not.
This is not compassionate.
This is not okay.
Who are you to give a time limit?
Who are you to tell someone
if they are over it?
We will be grieving a lifetime
for our children.
That does not make us bad parents.
On the contrary,
it makes us damn good ones.
Heidi hits the nail on the head with this post.
I would strongly urge
anyone thinking of
commenting about God or
heaven to wait.
Just wait.
Especially if the loss just happened.
Our world Just turned upside down.
Shaken to its very core.
We are in shock and we are
debilitated by agony.
Something that is a parents worst
nightmare just happened to us.
We don’t want to hear how our
child “is in a better place”
or that “God had a plan.
We are most likely
mad at God.
At least I was.
And it is all right.
It is okay.
His shoulders are big.
He can handle it.
It is not your job to instill our faith.
Your job is to support us
Compassionately.
Wholeheartedly.
The fact that V had to endure
this comment is preposterous to me.
Each child is like a snowflake.
They are different and unique in their own special way.
The thought of another child replacing
the one that has passed away is unfair
to both children.
Unfair for the child that has
passed away because that
discounts their life completely.
And unfair to the future or living
child because
they have an impossible burden
to carry to keep up an unrealistic expectation.
Maybe?
Take out the word maybe in the sentence.
How horribly insensitive this is?.
It is an unneeded comment
and it isn't helpful.
Scrap this one from your vocabulary.
The “how” and “why” is irrelevant.
I know that you think that with
this knowledge you will be able
to protect your own children
or
you are just being nosy.
Neither of these reasons are
good enough reasons to ask
why or how the loss happened.
It is honestly none of your business.
Take yourself out of the equation.
I have said it before and
I will say it again.
All children are
unique and different
in every way.
Twins are in the exact same category.
They are two different people.
Two different children.
There is no “plus”
In this instance.
Yes, we are very grateful
for the one twin that we do have-
but for every milestone that they
pass we will always be wondering
where the other twin would be.
And that doesn’t make us a bad parent.
That makes us a very good one.
This isn’t something that you need to say at all.
You cannot pretend.
Although, I would love to pretend that this never happened.
Unfortunately this is my agonizing nightmare.
And this may still be that for you.
A "nightmare".
The worst dream you could imagine.
But I am living that.
I can’t pretend even if I wanted to.
There is a hole in our heart
the exact shape of a child.
This is not okay. None of it.
You cannot give advice like this
and expect nothing come of it.
There is no need to imagine
anything worse than our child
leaving this earth.
It has already happened.
There is no worse.
And with suicide comes
regret and blame.
Slammed right in the faces
of the parents.
It is unstoppable.
This is almost as bad as saying,
“Na, na, nah, nah, boo-boo.”
Scrap this idea from your “uplifting list” completely!
Coming from someone
who had this particular quote
posted all over her locker
and senior high school yearbook,
This just is not helpful.
Maybe it does happen for a reason?
But a Mother or father
that is grieving the loss of their
child does not want to hear that.
There’s not a good enough reason.
There is no worse.
We are living the worst.
The loss has impacted
our life, incredibly.
There is no
“it could’ve been worse.”
It does not help to
know that they are in a
better place.
As Heidi already stated,
"To a grieving parent the
only place that they should
be is in our arms."
We are not just another statistic.
We don’t want to be a number.
We don’t want to hear that it happens commonly with the first.
But to the second part of this comment,
when a total stranger asks you if this is your first child,
My recommendation is to tell them the truth.
To talk about your child.
You could say “I have ______ children, my first is in heaven.”
Because if we don’t talk
about our children,
then
who will?
It is our job.
An important job.
I will just let this comment be
what it is.
I think you can almost
read the anger and hurt
in this mother’s words.
Age and being young has
nothing to do with having more
children.
That will not and does not negate
the fact that we have
endured such a tremendous,
life altering loss.
Grief doesn't know age.
And “I know how you feel?”
Please do not try to reason with us.
This one you should just scrap out the window.
We wouldn’t wish this on
our worst enemy.
But to say that you know
how we feel is discounting
our feelings entirely.
Especially when you have not been through it.
Anything with God and heaven
is unneeded right now.
We are in agony.
We do not need a sign of faith.
And like I said before,
it is not your job to give us that sign.
We are mad at God.
Or at least I was.
And you need to understand
that that just doesn’t go away
in a day or two.
But that is between us and our Maker.
That has nothing to do with you.
“It’s time to move on.”
...really? Is it?
Can I ask you what
makes you the expert on time?
Did you know that time is man-made?
The people that say,
"it is time to move on,"
Say it only because
they are severely uncomfortable
with you still mourning the
death of your child.
Do not let them make you feel guilty
for doing what feels right for you.
Grief has no timeline
and has no time limit.
Time does not make things easier.
But perhaps gives you a little bit of
cushion around the wound.
If you do not know
what to say to a grieving parent,
I would urge you to say
nothing at all.
Just be there.
Simply be there.
We don’t want you to reason
with us or say that you
know we are going through.
We simply want you to take
our hand and
be with us in this storm.
