Things Not To Say to the Grieving Parent
As I sit here this morning
and sip my coffee,
I am reminded of how
bittersweet some days can be.
We come across people
in our lives, sometimes every day.
And when tragedy hits,
those people tend to say
the wrong thing.
Maybe they’re
trying to do good
and they truly mean well.
Or maybe, they are
just trying to be nosy.
Whatever the ulterior motive is-
we must remember
that most of these people
are innocently ignorant.
I can remember the day
of my son, Bo's funeral.
Just 10 months old,
and in a tiny little white casket.
Sleeping so peacefully.
And in his visitation line there were
people that came from so many different places
just to show and pay their respects.
But there was still that one person
in his visitation line that
stopped and had the audacity to ask:
“What happened?”
Being in shock,
I couldn’t respond.
My husband politely said
“We don’t know...”
As we directed this
person toward
our son’s casket,
we were reminded
of how our hearts
were plummeting
right before our eyes.
And she was unaware of the hurt she had caused.
Years into our loss and directing multiple
child loss support groups,
we have learned that there have
been multiple instances where
people have endured some
not so pleasant conversations,
And inconsiderate comments.
It is almost as if this particular
person is putting their finger
into a gunshot wound that has
been inflicted on us.
Our hearts are bleeding
even though you cannot see it.
These ignorant comments
and questions only cut us deeper.
Being young is irrelevant to the situation.
And need I say, that there is NO replacement
for the child that we had, pass away.
You can’t imagine?
We don’t want you to imagine!
We don’t want you to force us
on another island of segregation.
We just want to know that
you are here.
And that it is okay for us to
talk about our child.
We don’t want you to imagine.
There is no “at least” in child loss.
I went through a similar situation when a
Jehovah’s Witness
was at my door and
went on to
talk about the book of Job
from the Bible.
I was infuriated because it was
a story about how the
children that died
were replaced.
Not only replaced but doubled.
It fueled my anger.
There is a spot in our
hearts that fits the exact
size and shape of our child
that is gone.
There is no replacement.
Again, another baby
won’t solve the hurt
that our agonizing
hearts are feeling.
And it isn’t fair to
put that type of stipulation
on our future children.
Would you want to fill those shoes?
“Aren’t you over it by now”
If you are contemplating
saying this to a grieving parent