Things Not To Say to the Grieving Parent

As I sit here this morning

and sip my coffee,

I am reminded of how

bittersweet some days can be.

We come across people

in our lives, sometimes every day.

And when tragedy hits,

those people tend to say

the wrong thing.

Maybe they’re

trying to do good

and they truly mean well.

Or maybe, they are

just trying to be nosy.

Whatever the ulterior motive is-

we must remember

that most of these people

are innocently ignorant.

I can remember the day

of my son, Bo's funeral.

Just 10 months old,

and in a tiny little white casket.

Sleeping so peacefully.

And in his visitation line there were

people that came from so many different places

just to show and pay their respects.

But there was still that one person

in his visitation line that

stopped and had the audacity to ask:

“What happened?”

Being in shock,

I couldn’t respond.

My husband politely said

“We don’t know...”

As we directed this

person toward

our son’s casket,

we were reminded

of how our hearts

were plummeting

right before our eyes.

And she was unaware of the hurt she had caused.

Years into our loss and directing multiple

child loss support groups,

we have learned that there have

been multiple instances where

people have endured some

not so pleasant conversations,

And inconsiderate comments.

It is almost as if this particular

person is putting their finger

into a gunshot wound that has

been inflicted on us.

Our hearts are bleeding

even though you cannot see it.

These ignorant comments

and questions only cut us deeper.

Being young is irrelevant to the situation.

And need I say, that there is NO replacement

for the child that we had, pass away.

You can’t imagine?

We don’t want you to imagine!

We don’t want you to force us

on another island of segregation.

We just want to know that

you are here.

And that it is okay for us to

talk about our child.

We don’t want you to imagine.

There is no “at least” in child loss.

I went through a similar situation when a

Jehovah’s Witness

was at my door and

went on to

talk about the book of Job

from the Bible.

I was infuriated because it was

a story about how the

children that died

were replaced.

Not only replaced but doubled.

It fueled my anger.

There is a spot in our

hearts that fits the exact

size and shape of our child

that is gone.

There is no replacement.

Again, another baby

won’t solve the hurt

that our agonizing

hearts are feeling.

And it isn’t fair to

put that type of stipulation

on our future children.

Would you want to fill those shoes?

“Aren’t you over it by now”

If you are contemplating

saying this to a grieving parent

I would urge you, strongly, to not.

This is not compassionate.

This is not okay.

Who are you to give a time limit?

Who are you to tell someone

if they are over it?

We will be grieving a lifetime

for our children.

That does not make us bad parents.

On the contrary,

it makes us damn good ones.

Heidi hits the nail on the head with this post.

I would strongly urge

anyone thinking of

commenting about God or

heaven to wait.

Just wait.

Especially if the loss just happened.

Our world Just turned upside down.

Shaken to its very core.

We are in shock and we are

debilitated by agony.

Something that is a parents worst

nightmare just happened to us.

We don’t want to hear how our

child “is in a better place”

or that “God had a plan.

We are most likely

mad at God.

At least I was.

And it is all right.

It is okay.

His shoulders are big.

He can handle it.

It is not your job to instill our faith.

Your job is to support us

Compassionately.

Wholeheartedly.

The fact that V had to endure

this comment is preposterous to me.

Each child is like a snowflake.

They are different and unique in their own special way.

The thought of another child replacing

the one that has passed away is unfair

to both children.

Unfair for the child that has

passed away because that

discounts their life completely.

And unfair to the future or living

child because

they have an impossible burden

to carry to keep up an unrealistic expectation.

Maybe?

Take out the word maybe in the sentence.

How horribly insensitive this is?.

It is an unneeded comment

and it isn't helpful.

Scrap this one from your vocabulary.

The “how” and “why” is irrelevant.

I know that you think that with

this knowledge you will be able

to protect your own children

or

you are just being nosy.

Neither of these reasons are

good enough reasons to ask

why or how the loss happened.

It is honestly none of your business.

Take yourself out of the equation.

I have said it before and

I will say it again.

All children are

unique and different

in every way.

Twins are in the exact same category.

They are two different people.

Two different children.

There is no “plus”

In this instance.

Yes, we are very grateful

for the one twin that we do have-

but for every milestone that they

pass we will always be wondering

where the other twin would be.

And that doesn’t make us a bad parent.

That makes us a very good one.

This isn’t something that you need to say at all.

You cannot pretend.

Although, I would love to pretend that this never happened.

Unfortunately this is my agonizing nightmare.

And this may still be that for you.

A "nightmare".

The worst dream you could imagine.

But I am living that.

I can’t pretend even if I wanted to.

There is a hole in our heart

the exact shape of a child.

This is not okay. None of it.

You cannot give advice like this

and expect nothing come of it.

There is no need to imagine

anything worse than our child

leaving this earth.

It has already happened.

There is no worse.

And with suicide comes

regret and blame.

Slammed right in the faces

of the parents.

It is unstoppable.

This is almost as bad as saying,

“Na, na, nah, nah, boo-boo.”

Scrap this idea from your “uplifting list” completely!

Coming from someone

who had this particular quote

posted all over her locker

and senior high school yearbook,

This just is not helpful.

Maybe it does happen for a reason?

But a Mother or father

that is grieving the loss of their

child does not want to hear that.

There’s not a good enough reason.

There is no worse.

We are living the worst.

The loss has impacted

our life, incredibly.

There is no

“it could’ve been worse.”

It does not help to

know that they are in a

better place.

As Heidi already stated,

"To a grieving parent the

only place that they should

be is in our arms."

We are not just another statistic.

We don’t want to be a number.

We don’t want to hear that it happens commonly with the first.

But to the second part of this comment,

when a total stranger asks you if this is your first child,

My recommendation is to tell them the truth.

To talk about your child.

You could say “I have ______ children, my first is in heaven.”

Because if we don’t talk

about our children,

then

who will?

It is our job.

An important job.

I will just let this comment be

what it is.

I think you can almost

read the anger and hurt

in this mother’s words.

Age and being young has

nothing to do with having more

children.

That will not and does not negate

the fact that we have

endured such a tremendous,

life altering loss.

Grief doesn't know age.

And “I know how you feel?”

Please do not try to reason with us.

This one you should just scrap out the window.

We wouldn’t wish this on

our worst enemy.

But to say that you know

how we feel is discounting

our feelings entirely.

Especially when you have not been through it.

Anything with God and heaven

is unneeded right now.

We are in agony.

We do not need a sign of faith.

And like I said before,

it is not your job to give us that sign.

We are mad at God.

Or at least I was.

And you need to understand

that that just doesn’t go away

in a day or two.

But that is between us and our Maker.

That has nothing to do with you.

“It’s time to move on.”

...really? Is it?

Can I ask you what

makes you the expert on time?

Did you know that time is man-made?

The people that say,

"it is time to move on,"

Say it only because

they are severely uncomfortable

with you still mourning the

death of your child.

Do not let them make you feel guilty

for doing what feels right for you.

Grief has no timeline

and has no time limit.

Time does not make things easier.

But perhaps gives you a little bit of

cushion around the wound.

If you do not know

what to say to a grieving parent,

I would urge you to say

nothing at all.

Just be there.

Simply be there.

We don’t want you to reason

with us or say that you

know we are going through.

We simply want you to take

our hand and

be with us in this storm.