This weighed heavy on my heart today. I know my fellow loss moms and dads may be able to agree with me now, but maybe not. Not yet.
This is one of the hardest things that we have ever endured. This is by far the hardest thing. And it continues to be.
But let me talk to you for a second.
Stop with me.
I remember the anger. The blood boiling, forceful anger that in the pit of my stomach, would boil to no end.
The rage that came over me.
And the rage that probably comes over you, too.
You are doing the best that you can. With the best that you have. You love your child with all of your heart. With all of your soul.
I know that if you would've known this outcome prior to it happening, you would've done everything in your power to change it.
But you can't change it.
I know that you want it to be different. I know that you wish for it every day.
Every single day.
I know that there is an agony that is in your heart and it has made its home there.
But it doesn't have to stay.
It doesn't have to keep you hostage.
Agony is something that controls you and eats you. Your life does not have to stop. It cannot stop.
You have too much to live for.
You can turn this agony into something beautiful. Think about it. It already is beautiful. It's a love story.
My son, Bo, was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Had I known what I would have to endure prior to having him, I would go through it over and over again. Because he is my love. Because I am his love. Because he's my son.
I choose to see child loss differently.
It's a sad story, yes. But it's a beautiful, miraculous love story.
And your story is just the same.
I'm not talking about the events.
I know that our children have went differently.
I'm talking about the enormous engulfment of feelings.
I'm talking about the plateau.
I have the ability to love deeper because of Bo.
I have the ability to look at every circumstance and know the pure depth and meaning of it.
I am thankful and blessed to be his mom.
The truth is that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Because he is my son and I am thankful that I got 10 glorious months with him.
And for that, I thank God. I'm so grateful that He has delivered me from that agony. And that He has blessed me with peace and restored JOY in my heart.
My wish for you is that you take this. My wish for you is that you let it sink into your heart. Let it be. Ask God to give you peace and joy too. I promise it is possible.
This agony doesn't have to last forever. And that doesn't mean forgetting. I love my son and think about him every day. But letting all of that agony go and incorporating Bo into our every day lives is what we do now.
That's what we live for.